GOT TO THE POST FIRST BUT STILL NO CREDIT CARD.
I’m going to town today on my own, so I have to take the bus as I still don’t have a car. I’m going to look at a few car showrooms to see if I can find anything suitable. I’m after a family size car, perhaps an Audi A4 or similar. Let’s see what transpires.
On the bus I was stuck behind a fat smelly woman who decided to count the money in her purse before she sat down. How inconsiderate of her. I decided to cough to attract her attention politely so I could pass, but she didn’t take the hint so I simplified things for her and said, “Can’t you sit down and count your money there instead of counting it in the aisle? I’m not prepared to stand behind you all day.” She muttered something and sat down. She stank of piss and the only seat available was behind her. Nice journey I’m in for. I asked her how much money she had and suggested she invested in some soap. She told me to fuck off. How polite she was. She then complained to the driver who asked me to leave the bus. I said, “So let’s get this right. A woman comes on who blocks the aisle then sits in front of me stinking of piss, and you’re asking me to get off? She didn’t even have to pay and I had to pay £3.50 for my trip. Then because I mentioned the uncomfortable stench of piss emanating from her body, I have to get off the bus! I’m going to report you. What’s your name?” He told me that was irrelevant and that if I didn’t get off he would call the police. I said “Go ahead and call them”. By this time the other passengers were moaning and groaning as the bus wasn’t moving. My stance worked though as the driver caved in and told me to sit somewhere else and he’d let it go. I said sarcastically, “Well thanks for letting me continue the journey that I paid for”. I sat in a different seat. Someone must have got fed up and left the bus whilst I was making my point.
When I got into town I found a car salesroom, the first one. It was less than a minute before a salesman was on me. That was faster than the sofa salesman. I told him I was just looking around and would ask for help if I needed it. I couldn’t pull the same trick as in the sofa shop as he was the only salesman there, so I set about thinking of ways to annoy him. I decided to tell him I wanted a sports car (not the family car I really want). I made him take me on five test drives then told him I didn’t like any of the cars.
There was a little bit of a ‘whoopsy daisy’ when I was on one test drive. I can’t take the blame because all the Sunday drivers were out; people driving too slow, people not indicating, people taking wide turns into streets, and people crossing the middle white lines. It always amazes me when I see people (usually old) driving a 15-year-old car in perfect condition. You can tell they only use their car for a few days a year and keep it in a garage, but as a consequence they can’t drive properly. Back to the whoopsy daisy, I was shouting at a driver who didn’t indicate and had been driving too slow. While I was doing that I didn’t notice a car pulling out of the opposite side road and I accidentally nudged the stupid bastard with the brand new Honda Civic I was test driving. The salesman wasn’t best pleased, believe it or not. That was the end of my car search for today.
I must tell you about the policeman who came to the scene of the accident, I know this is a long diary entry but it’s my diary so I don’t give a toss. His name was PC Bacon. What a name for a policeman! He must have the piss taken out of him at the station. You shouldn’t really go into the police force if that’s your name. When I was talking to him I said, “You don’t mind if I have a fag do you? I’ll try not to get you all smoked.” I don’t think he cottoned on that I was taking the mickey. He asked me where my car was and I said, “It’s round the back, Bacon”. That one he did notice and told me to calm down or he’ll arrest me on a public order offence. If he did arrest me I guess he’d give me a grilling in interview. I’m glad I didn’t say that, as I guess I’d have been spending the night in a police cell. I managed to spend the night in my own bed, which is a lot better.