Yay! Credit card has arrived! Two grand limit. I’m gonna spend the whole lot and the wife is getting nothing. Silly bitch didn’t even get me a birthday present last year. Well, she did but it was rubbish. She got me a box of York Fruits. Have you seen them? They’re like oversized Fruit Pastilles. Who buys their life partner and supposed love of their life some Fruit Pastilles? Don’t tell her but I binned them.
Before we get onto today, let me tell you about this morning. I took my wife’s car down the road and sat outside the house of them knob heads from last night and revved the engine until I woke them. I know they woke up because they opened the window and called me a retard and said they’re gonna knock me out. Sensible pair, them too.
I nipped out to town with my new plastic friend. First stop was a clothes shop. I needed a new pair of trousers and they had every size apart from mine. I decided to get the next size up and a belt. I hate walking to the tills and having people getting sight of the tag and then knowing my size, so I folded the tag over so no one could see. It’s not my fault I’m a fat git, I blame Cadbury’s and the local chippy. Anyway, at the till the woman kindly pointed out that the jeans I’d chosen were, in fact, Italian. Sounds good, doesn’t it? She was very loud with her voice, so everyone heard of my good choice in designer wear. She didn’t finish there though, oh no. She shouted across the store her reasoning for telling me this nugget of information. Guess what, diary? Apparently, Italians make clothes with the wrong sizes on them. Yes indeed. Let me furnish you with her exact words: “Sir, an XL in Italy is the same as a large, so in all honesty you probably need an XXL or an XXXL if these jeans are for you.” I was embarrassed and, as you know, I don’t get embarrassed easily. I told her, “I know about Italian sizing, thank you very much. I’ll let you into a little secret though that might help you: you should try American clothes because I believe they do their sizing by circumference, which would be ideal for a fat circular fuckwit like you.” The bloke behind me gave me a high five. I reckon I put that bitch in her place today.
If you are enjoying this book, then we have a Go Fund Me campaign started, we want to raise the money to self publish a paper back copy and promote it. Any help would be gratefully recieved and if you donate, you will get a special message from Richard on a new page on this website listing the kind people who show their appreciation for this FREE book. Here is the link https://www.gofundme.com/mpsqhv&rcid=r01-154378900315-33817cb9093c4687&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w