January 7th 2014 - Fat People & A Complaint Letter

They must eat a shit load of food

My wife beat me to the post today, I hope the credit card didn’t come.

It didn’t come, thank goodness. Instead we got a council tax reminder for £100 a month. For what?! They collect the bins once a fortnight but leave the street a right bloody mess; chicken bones, bread bags, apple cores, yogurt pots and more scattered across the street. Not only that, the fat bastards across the street put an average of eight bags of rubbish out each week, so I put a letter together and sent it to the council in protest. I demanded a reduction in my council tax as I don’t see why I should pay the same as Mr and Mrs Lard Arse across the road. Here’s the letter;

Dear Director of Finance,

I am currently a resident of Oak Drive and pay you the huge amount of £100 a month for my Council Tax.

It has come to my attention that the neighbors at number 17 pay the same as me yet get more service, as they put an average of eight bags of rubbish out a week compared to my one bag. I would like to point out that it is bad business practice and wholly unfair to charge customers the same but for different levels of service. If I was in a supermarket I would have to pay eight times as much for eight boxes of cereal compared to someone who bought just one. Why is it that Council Tax is any different?

Also if the boxes of cereal were damaged I would expect to pay less. The reason I point this out is that the bin men leave such a mess on the street that I see your service as damaged goods.

Under the Supply of Goods and Services Act 1982 I ask you for a suitable reduction in my Council Tax with immediate effect.

Please find enclosed my cheque for one eighth of my yearly Council Tax to bring me in line with my neighbors at number 17. I am also expecting a refund of an amount for the quality of service received and will leave this amount to your discretion. Cashing the enclosed cheque will be deemed your acceptance of the reduced amount.

Yours sincerely,

Richard Smith cc John Simmons and Co. Solicitors

As you may have noticed, I copied in my solicitors. I didn’t send the solicitor a copy of the letter, given that they charge even more than the council for even less work, but I’ve learnt that a complaint letter holds more weight if you copy in a solicitor. I have learnt this from my favourite book of all time, ‘How to Complain’ by Mel Stein, a man after my own heart.

By the way, I didn’t tell my wife I’d written this letter until I’d posted it, otherwise she’d have never let me send it. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy. I’ll wait for a reply now and see what she has to say when that arrives.