Two days to go until 2014, World Cup year. England will be hoping again and in a few months flags will be hanging from cars, then we’ll all be left disappointed again. This year it seems there are no expectations of England, but that has gone so far that now people expect them to do well, due to the lack of expectations. Are you still with me? The expectations are now pretty high, due to the expectations being low. I’m not fussed, they’ll end up going out early anyway.
It’s Monday today and therefore my last day at work for four days. The bosses have decided to give us New Year’s Eve off if the call volume is low today. I’m not going in anyway, I’m going to phone in sick. I need a good break and can’t be arsed talking to moaning idiots on New Year’s Eve. I’ve had a verbal warning this year so I’ve got a written one left before I have to worry properly. It means I can continue to take the piss for a while longer until I get that second strike.
My plans were scuppered though as the boss called me into his office at 10am. I went upstairs and knocked on his door. He beckoned me in and the first thing I said to him was, “I expect you want to talk to me about my raise.” He said, “Not exactly Richard, I’ve received several complaints about your work last week.” I asked him what he meant and he said, “Well, there is the man who you told to take his complaint to the Coffee Machine Regulator, the lady you told to try using the spout on her spoutless kettle, and the lady who you told to remove the fuse from the plug and to plug it back into the mains. She ended up in casualty following an electric shock, by the way. And there’s the man you told to clean his toaster in a bucket of water. It’s just not on. What do you have to say for yourself?” I told him I didn’t say those things, hoping to get away with it. He said, “I’ve listened to the call recordings. You did say those things, don’t make matters worse by lying.” I guess I was caught out, so I tried to think of a decent excuse, I told him my cat had died last week and I was in a very bad mood. I promised never to let it happen again. I thought I was going to get the sack but I got a written warning instead. I guess my piss-taking has to stop now. No day off tomorrow.
Just to be clear, I didn’t have a cat. I made that bit up, sort of. I say ‘sort of’ because a cat did get injured in my garden last week. I saw a cat in the tree and decided to fire a stone at it with my old sling. It was science; I wanted to see if cats land on their feet every time they fall… they do!
It was a good day today. I annoyed a lot of people and a cat. It gave me something to smile about. I think I’ll do some more cat experiments over the next few days. I wonder if cats can manage on three legs…