December 27th 2013 - Back to Work

Christmas is over for another year and now it’s the lead up to New Year’s Eve. Today I woke up in a bad mood; some might say I got out of the wrong side of bed. That’s impossible, my bed is up against the wall.

It’s back to work today. My arsehole bosses decided to open between Christmas and New Year. I work in a call centre complaints department. Oh joy of joys to be back there today when I am in a bad mood.

My first call didn’t help much. A man rang to say his coffee machine wasn’t working properly and that the store refused to give him a refund. It turned out that the stupid bastard had been using instant coffee in the machine and clogged it up. I told that we couldn’t give him a refund as it was his own fault and he had damaged it. He said, “Right, I’m going to take this higher”. I replied, in hindsight a little sarcastically, “It still won’t work, even if you take it to the top of Blackpool Tower.” He went silent for a while and then said, “I don’t like your attitude.” What a quality comeback. I wonder how long it took him to think of that one? Then he said, “I am going to take this complaint to the next level.” I responded by saying, “What would that be, Sir? The Coffee Machine Regulatory Board of Great Britain?” He slammed the phone down for some reason. I tell you something, if you got me today when you wanted to complain, you were unlucky.

I had a laugh though, it cheered me up. One bloke rang and annoyed me so I did the classic lost phone signal trick. He said “What’s going on? We’re both on landlines.” I just kept doing it to annoy him.

I left work at 4pm today. When I got home I could smell some beautiful food coming from the kitchen. Perhaps my wife had been cooking a meal for us, a treat for once. When I walked in she was coming through the kitchen doors with a plate of Chinese food and said to me, “There are some more microwave meals in the freezer. Get yourself one.” So I shouted from the kitchen, “Well, thank you, Darling. You are so kind!" Then just for good measure and to ensure I got the point across I shouted again (you have to shout, the kitchen is miles away from the living room, well not miles, just a few yards) "It’s amazing how you keep these pans so clean.”

I decided to hear her reply, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I shouted, “Nothing darling, It would just be nice to have some proper food one day when I get home from work. One of these days I am going to look like monosodium glutamate, whatever that is.” Every night I eat this crap!

Time to relax now after my flat lasagne. I reach for the TV remote, but my wife snatched it back. I asked, “Can I watch QI?” She said I couldn’t as she wanted to watch Coronation Street. That show is so bad these days and it’s on too much – 14 times a week, I think. It certainly feels like that. It’s a weird show; everyone living in that street works in one of three places actually on the street. They all sleep with each other, taking turns, dirty bastards! I don’t know a street like that anywhere. In my street the most action is a ‘hello’ over a fence, and having a fling by mutual consent means you’ve checked it’s OK to throw a ball for a dog you’ve not seen before.

I’m going to bed early, I really can’t be arsed with all the soaps. I’ll have a read instead, something more gripping than Coronation Street, like The Very Hungry Caterpillar or a Mr Man book. They even had to ruin Mr Men books by going all politically correct and having Little Miss books as well, next we'll be having Mr/Mrs books to not offend those who are both, undecided or going through an operation for change! You get my drift, just leave stuff that is good enough already alone, I bet you nobody ever complained to the publishers of Mr Men books saying they're offended because there is no female version of Mr Tickle.

Goodnight, I can't even be arsed reading.